‘How are you’ people say, ‘Fine’ or ‘Getting there’ is my reply,
We both know that is a lie, it hurts badly all the time.
This should be about you, but it’s really about those of us who you have left behind. It’s easier to get our feelings in context with you and what you are and always will be to us all.
‘Time is a great healer’ people say. What do they mean? If they mean that given time I will forget all the pain then that is not what I want. I want to remember every single painful detail, I want to remember every moment of your life, however much that hurts. My greatest fear is those thoughts will be lost in time.
What is that feeling where some of us want to tell the whole world – total strangers indeed – that we miss you so badly – I tell you it is easier to tell a stranger than to someone who knows you:you don’t have to look into their eyes and open yourself to them letting their grief embrace you. Why must people talk about your death as if it were todays hot juicy topic – are people’s lives really that boring that anything will do? Why also do some people avoid you or turn their gaze away? Are they afraid of their emotions or afraid of hurting me? I will never stop hurting and I’m not afraid of people hurting me, they must talk to me, we must all grieve.
The time will come when your children will ask, ‘Why did my Daddy die’. This single question gives me so much grief – I simply have no answer but I must find one, and one that makes sense to them and comforts them.
Grief is many different things to us all, these words and writing my feelings describe our grief in different ways. Grief is the despair I felt when I knew kneeling beside you that I could give you nothing to take away your pain and save your life. Grief is the feeling I had when I recognized that despite everything you thought I was capable of, I simply was not some super human able to hold your hand and breathe life into your body and make you well. Grief is in the knowledge that I will never be able to speak to you again, share a joke, seek your advice – all these things and so much more. Grief is the anxiety I feel, the despair to be with you in an afterlife – is there an afterlife? Is there a God? Why did he take you away?
Grief is the faltering steps of tomorrow, the uncertainty, the lack of desire of tomorrow, the wish for an end to this nightmare. It is the complete reluctance to accept what happened. It is the desire to continue celebrating your life if only to remind people that you are never far away. Grief is those moments when I am forced to be alone with my thoughts and the inevitable hurt when I reflect on special memories of you.
That must be the price I pay for loving you so much.
Every time I read these thoughts I weep, as I am doing now. But I am comforted by the thought that one day, whenever that may be, we will be re-united forever – there must be an afterlife.
Until that time, stay near to me, stay close. Keep your memories alive in me and talk to me in my thoughts.
Your mother knows this too well also, there is only one last thing to say to you
Only Always x